Putting yourself first *does not* make you a bad person

That's just your internalized oppression talking

Raise your hand if you feel totally exhausted and overwhelmed from always catering to others around you, making yourself as useful as possible, and never trying to ruffle any feathers, whether it’s at work, with your friends, or with your family?

It can be excruciatingly difficult to practice putting yourself first and being loyal to yourself in a society that teaches us from day one to shrink ourselves, to put everyone else’s needs above our own, and that being selfish automatically means you’re an evil, egocentric megalomaniac.

Especially for late-realized auDHDers who didn’t know that they are the way they are and have the needs they have until well into adulthood.

We grew up being told almost every day that we were being “dramatic” for voicing our own needs or discomfort, being told that we needed to “toughen up” and “work harder,” otherwise we would be a total burden on everyone around us.

We learned so quickly, too quickly, that if we pretended not to have needs and did everything we could to take care of those around us, always be as helpful to others as possible, that we would be (for the most part) left alone, safe from judgement and criticism.

And bonus points if you grew up with a sibling whose needs (and struggles) were much more obvious, intense, or accepted than yours. Giving you the constant internal belief that others needed even more than you did, and if you asked for more you were taking away from them.

After all, how could you be so bold as to ask for something from your parents who were already so very busy taking care of your sibling, or siblings? You’re supposed to be the strong one, what are you doing? Can’t you just go play by yourself for a while? Oh, but on your way can you also make a snack for your brother?

Shit like that.

Then, we grow into adults who, at least for a while, become overachievers, striving to be the best at everything they do (and feeling like huge failures for getting anything less than an A+, or making a small mistake), diving into every activity and event they possibly can, being the most productive and independent person the world has ever seen, and always getting praised for it along the way - which only reinforces what you’re doing.

Meanwhile, there’s a part of you that knows, deep down, that you deserve more than this. That longs for someone who won’t put you up on that pedestal, for once. Who will actually take care of you the way you’ve been taking care of everyone else your entire life.

But you’re quick to stifle that part like a match in a bomb factory.

You tell yourself “Shh! Don’t think like that! How selfish! Who do you think you are? You’re supposed to be the strong, tough one, remember? You’re fine without anyone else. You have to be. What will happen to the others if you start spending all your time being a selfish bitch?”

So you put off prioritizing yourself, getting more and more burned out every day, feeling like you have less capacity all the time. You keep saying yes to everything, but you either wind up flaking at the last minute, or totally resenting the people who are asking you for help or attention in the first place. But you’re also terrified to say no, because doesn’t that make you a horrible person?

No the fuck it doesn’t.

You deserve to be taken care of in the same ways that you have spent your life taking care of others. But because we were raised in a society that tells us, from every angle, that asking for the same support you give is inherently bad, you believe it.

This is internalized oppression, and it’s one of many examples if it that I’m going help you see in my upcoming workshop Detox From Neuronormativity.

And I know it’s internalized oppression because I used to be that person. For the first 21 years of my life, I only ever thought about the people around me. I took pride in being so independent, and was always praised by adults for how “wise” and “grown” i seemed at such a young age.

This pattern of self sacrificing and ignoring my own needs and boundaries landed me in a pretty intense emotionally abusive relationship from when I was 16 until I was 21.

Then, thanks to the internet, I learned that everything I was going through wasn’t just because I was being too sensitive, or not trying hard enough, or not being loyal enough to others… it was my own internalized oppression that trickled down to me from our patriarchal, capitalist, white supremacist society that benefits from making people who actually care about the world feel small and undeserving.

I learned that it would actually be a radical act to start putting myself first, especially as a queer person (I didn’t know then that I was also auDHD and disabled) because “they” want us to be silent, to not ask for anything, to stay quietly on the sidelines and use all our energy on trying to help everyone else so we have none left to spend on changing the world in the ways we want to see.

Because you see, putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you’ll never help anyone again, or that everyone will think you only care about yourself. When you’re able to let to of this pattern of self sacrificing, of people pleasing, and start prioritizing your own needs without the guilt that society puts on us for it, you’ll be even more well-resourced to continue showing up in the world and helping in exactly the ways you want to, without getting totally burned out or resentful every single time.

The biggest breakthroughs in the trauma healing journey I’ve been on since then have been when I was able to continue recognizing internalized oppression in all the forms it takes. ANd now I’m on a mission to give those same breakthroughs, that same liberation, to late-realized auDHDers everywhere.

This Friday at 11am Eastern, I’m hosting my new workshop Detox From Neuronormativity so that you, too, can spot where your own internalized oppression lies, fight against the dehumanization we all go through in this society, and start taking small steps to rehumanize yourself, one bit at a time.

You can learn more and sign up by clicking the button below, or go to my website jesdiverges.com/detoxfromneuronormativity. I hope to see you there, because you deserve to know all the ways that society teaches us to be small.